11. Your Most Valuable Relationship: How Your Inner Child Impacts Your Career and Life
Do you ever feel like you're not good enough, no matter how much you achieve? Do you find yourself seeking validation, trying to improve your relationship with others in the hopes they’ll think highly of you? The truth is, the most important relationship you can cultivate isn't with your boss, your peers, or even your partner - it's with yourself.
It’s time to explore how your thoughts and feelings about yourself impact every aspect of your life, from your career to your personal relationships. To illustrate this, I introduce you to the concept of your inner child and how healing your relationship with this part of yourself can radically shift the way you show up in the world.
Tune in this week to discover how to work on improving the most important relationship in your life. By learning to nurture and reparent your inner child, you can develop a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself, leading to greater confidence, resilience, and emotional well-being. Get ready to unlock the inner confidence that's been waiting for you!
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why your relationship with yourself is the most important one you'll ever have.
How your thoughts and feelings about yourself impact your career, relationships, and overall well-being.
What the inner child is and how it influences your adult life.
How to identify emotional triggers and trace them back to childhood experiences.
The importance of validating your emotions and offering yourself care, comfort, and love.
How nurturing your inner child can help you regulate your emotions in healthy ways.
An exercise to check in with your inner child and her emotions.
Listen to the Full Episode:
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Full Episode Transcript:
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Welcome listeners, today's episode is all about the most important relationship you will ever have, your relationship with yourself. If you feel awful after even a minor disagreement with your boss, or you feel stressed asking your team for exactly what you need, you might think you need to work on your relationship with these people, get to know them better, or work out how to communicate with them in a way that allows you to feel comfortable. But the truth is, this is an inside job. How you feel in these interactions comes down to just one person… you.
How you think and feel about yourself has a massive impact on how you show up professionally, but it also has a profound impact on your emotional well-being outside of work, in your relationships with your friends, family, and romantic partners.
I've seen firsthand both in my life and in the lives of my clients that your thoughts and feelings about yourself impact the quality of your relationships with others, your ability to handle rejection and setbacks, what you think is possible for yourself in terms of income potential and influence, your value in the world and your self-worth, confidence in your skills and capabilities, your ability to communicate vulnerably and effectively during tough times.
Today we are going to explore this relationship that you have with yourself. I've already told you how important it is, but if you are noticing for yourself, well, where do I begin? How do I do this work if I want to improve my relationship with myself? Well, first, I want to ask you where your thoughts and feelings about yourself come from. And this is where your inner child comes into the story.
I want you to think about any time in your career where you recognize yourself putting yourself down, beating yourself up over small mistakes, minimizing your accomplishments, and I know so many, so many women leaders do this, deflecting compliments about themselves or getting praise. So what does that sound like?
That sounds like somebody saying, Sarah, you did such an amazing job on this presentation. And Sarah's response is, oh, thanks, but actually my team did most of the work. Or maybe Sarah says, oh, but you gave me so much information that I was able to do this presentation well. You just want to notice if you are the type of person who feels highly uncomfortable getting compliments or praises and deflects it or minimizes it in any way.
These habits limit your personal growth and your ability to create confidence and your overall potential. But the good news here is that all of these are things you do to yourself. They're a direct consequence of the thoughts you're thinking about yourself. And you've been thinking them since you were a little girl. This is where the work of the inner child comes in.
The inner child refers to the part of us that holds our childhood experiences, emotions, and unmet needs. So if you're noticing a lot of emotions, there was a pattern, there was something that we did with ourselves. Whether you want to believe it or not, there's this little girl that lives inside of all of us and we carry both positive and negative aspects from our early childhood and she influences how we interact with the world as adults in the here and now.
So oftentimes when I'm talking about emotional triggers, typically we are noticing something, a strong emotion, it reminds us of a time when we were younger and we want to be able to notice this because the quality of your relationship with your inner child impacts her sense of safety, trust, and emotional well-being.
I want to share an example from one of my clients where she was just telling me recently that she was feeling a lot of pressure at work. She was noticing that she was being very harsh to herself. She noticed a lot of emotions of feeling like she was going to disappoint others. And I had asked her when she had felt this way before and how old did she feel? And she actually shared with me. She was like, I felt like I was four years old again. My parents were going through a divorce, and these lawyers were asking me who I wanted to live with.
And for her, it was just like, I mean, she had to sit with it for a while, and we'd been talking about this topic for a bit. So if it doesn't come naturally to you, this is part of the work. You will start making more connections with your inner child and your childhood experiences as you do more of this work.
But for her, what she connected was this fear of disappointing people around her, mainly her parents in this case. But it was also reflecting back, she was recreating this at work where she was so fearful of disappointing her boss and her boss's boss, right? And she was noticing how she would have these patterns of feeling really scared about what these people in front of her needed and not making the right decision.
And so what I coached her to do was to actually sit with this child, to sit with her emotions and comfort this child and also be compassionate towards this child, you know, and in turn compassionate towards yourself. Here's a four-year-old trying to decide some really big life-changing things, right? It feels really scary and you have lots of emotions and instead of focusing on people outside of you or judging yourself, you can actually sit with those emotions and comfort yourself. Wow I could totally see how this experience is really scary. I could see how there's a lot on your plate and you're doing so many new things and I can see why you're feeling how you're feeling.
So even being able to slow down and talk to yourself in this manner and see yourself in this way, what it does is it helps us connect back to ourselves and it helps us to be more in line with how we're actually feeling and when we're more connected to ourselves, the way we show up in the world we're more present, we're more able to make connections with other people we're more able to take in the world around us and not make everything mean something terrible about ourselves or using the world around us to judge ourselves in some way.
So this inner child work is really about learning how to regulate your emotions. If you find yourself having strong emotional reactions at work, whether it's disappointment, anger, anxiety, or even joy, inner child work will help you understand your emotional reactions by tracing them back to past experiences. By nurturing and reparenting your inner child, you can heal those wounds and start regulating your emotions in healthy ways. Instead of letting them come out at the office in unproductive ways, right? Screaming, crying, allowing them to make you have not be motivated for work, wanting to not be at work, feeling burnt out. If you're feeling burnt out, that's a really good indicator that you are not connected with that inner child. You've been ignoring that inner child, their needs, and you're feeling tired from it, right? Because there's only so far we can go before we really have to come to terms with that.
So this work is really truly about validating the emotions, acknowledging them. It seems so simple that when you sit with a child and acknowledge their fear, sadness, anger, even joy or hurt, you're offering yourself the care, comfort, and love that might have been missing in your childhood, right? The reason why we say it might have been missing is because you may have a pattern to just do more and more work. A lot of the women that I coach are such action takers, and we live in a very masculine society that is very action-oriented, right? Where we don't oftentimes give ourselves the time and space to connect and be with our own emotions.
So what happens is throughout the day you're getting hurt. You know, maybe somebody ignores your deadline or ignores a meeting or you have a bad interaction with your boss and there's all these things that you're making it mean about yourself and there's all these ways you're treating yourself and you might notice your pattern is to go and do more and more work, to prove yourself more and more, versus being able to sit with your emotions, comfort yourself, connect with yourself, and then still going back to that work, but doing it with more purpose, more alignment, more wholeness.
I want to give you an example of one of the times in my life that I really felt all of my coaching had culminated into a positive experience with me getting negative feedback, But still being able to comfort myself in the moment and show up really powerfully for myself and in that relationship that I think oftentimes people just think that, you know, your career highs are going to be positive and exciting things when you're getting a standing ovation or you got promoted. But for me, it was really this inner peace.
I basically was in a meeting, a very high school. stakes meeting, a divisional CEO noticed a mistake on my deck. He was really unhappy about it. He would let me know very straight and clear. I was feeling lots of fear and then sadness and also hurt and I noticed myself in a semi- second, a mini-moment, right? You might want to call it that. I noticed myself having a choice. I could either be really mean to myself and harsh to myself, which is my historical pattern of motivating myself, or I could stop and pause, connect with my feelings, comfort myself, and keep showing up. And I was always showing up as a professional, but there's a way that you can show up and still be half shut down versus a way that you're showing up and you're fully there and you're present.
And so in this moment that I'm so proud of, I chose to be kind to myself. I chose to comfort that little girl inside that was scared and freaking out and sad. And I said, it's okay. I got this. I'm okay. You know, I got you. You're okay. helped me feel safe in my body, and it helped me to show up for the rest of the presentation, connected with myself, being able to connect with the data around me, and not having this backtalk, this self-talk of beating myself up.
So I want you to notice for yourself, what are your patterns? What do you notice? And when is the last time you noticed your own feelings and emotions? I want you to really think about this work as a way to heal this relationship with your little girl and really create a real strong relationship with yourself.
And again, this is all about nurturing that relationship with yourself because when you stop criticizing and you start nurturing your inner child, you can begin doing the real work of releasing limiting beliefs and emotions actually complete themselves so you're not carrying them around with you like heavy baggage, you can actually validate yourself in that moment. You can be with yourself versus going to that next thing.
You know, if you think about a child that you give them a scoop of ice cream on an ice cream cone, right? This is like a very simple example. And they go and they lick that ice cream and they feel so much joy and excitement with that ice cream experience. And then all of a sudden something happens and that ice cream scoop falls on the floor, flat on the floor. And they're feeling all these emotions, sad, angry, hurt, I don't know, all these feelings over this ice cream. And you, as the adult, are like, don't worry, we've got this taken care of. Let me give you this other ice cream. But that child still needs to have their emotions. And you're like, this doesn't make any sense, right? And you want them to just feel better and bounce back, but they can't because they're actually still mourning and still releasing that emotion.
So instead of forcing that child to be happy, putting that ice cream back onto their cone, you can just sit with the child and say, I see why you're disappointed. I see why you're sad. That was your ice cream. And before you know it, before you need to say anything else, that child is ready for their ice cream because they have been given the space and the time, even though it was just a mini-second, a mini-moment, right? They were able to feel okay, to feel their feelings, and to feel validated, and then they can move on quickly. They release that emotion, they complete it, and they're ready for that next thing.
But so oftentimes as adults, we are just pushing ourselves to the next, to the next, and we haven't created a relationship with ourselves where it's okay to have our emotions, to use them, to connect with ourselves, and to keep showing up even when things are not always going the way that we planned, right?
But the more you're able to connect with yourself, take care of yourself, the quicker you're going to be able to bounce back. And so you start creating this healthier relationship with your inner child. You'll notice yourself stepping into your full potential more confidently. You'll also improve your ability to express vulnerably and communicate with others more effectively. If you're connected with your own emotions, then you're going to be more willing and able to say, I can see why you're frustrated by this process. I can see why you're upset with me. You can actually say those words and mean them, not just say them inauthentically.
But this is the work of connecting with yourself, understanding yourself. You can empathize with yourself. That gives you the ability to empathize and be more compassionate with other people in a true way, not just a, this is a nice political thing to do way. And this is really the opportunity here.
So I want to invite you to notice your inner child, notice yourself, notice those feelings and emotions when they arise, right? And if you're like some of my clients, I have some clients who don't want to do this work, they don't want to feel their feelings, they feel really uncomfortable within it. So if you're that person, I want to just invite you to do a small step. I usually invite my clients that are feeling really threatened by this work to find a picture of themselves as a little girl, ages 4 and under. You want yourself to be young. And just start looking at this picture and being curious about her. What is she thinking? How is she feeling? What was life like for her? You want to let yourself steep in that and be curious about that. The more you do it, the more normal it will feel, and the more you'll be able to start connecting with this little girl.
And if you're somebody who has already done some inner child work, I want you to keep journaling about it, connecting these thoughts, noticing patterns, and limiting beliefs that come up around how you feel about yourself, and see how this connects to that inner child. I want you to give yourself patience with this assignment. Cultivating inner confidence takes time, but with ongoing inner child work and self-compassion, you can develop a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself, leading to a greater sense of empowerment in your career and in your life.
So no matter what happens, no matter what emotions come up, you know how to take care of yourself. This is incredibly powerful for work and life because if you keep accelerating in your career and doing bigger and bigger things, you're going to hit some roadblocks. But your ability to bounce back from those roadblocks is really about your connection with yourself and how you respond to yourself when you don't perform well, when negative things happen, when you're having emotions that you are not used to having, right?
But the more you're able to sit with that inner child, take care of yourself, the more you're going to be able to show up in in your life and bounce back even quicker, more confidently, and more on purpose. All right, listeners, that was this episode. Go out and work on your relationship with yourself and let me know what you think. What is changing in your life? How are you feeling in your life and in your leadership? DM me on LinkedIn or feel free to leave a review. I will see you next week. Thank you.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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