14. Gravitas… WTF?
Have you ever been told you need more gravitas at work? As a woman in leadership, this feedback can feel like a frustrating judgment on your worth and abilities. But what if we could flip the script and transform this vague critique into an empowering opportunity for growth?
In this episode, I dive deep into the complex interplay between gravitas and authenticity for female leaders. Through a blend of personal anecdotes, research-backed insights, and practical strategies, let’s explore how to approach this common feedback with a mindset of worthiness and capability.
Tune in this week to unpack the double standards around gravitas, the importance of seeking clarity in feedback conversations, and the power of consciously integrating new skills into your authentic leadership style. By the end of this episode, you'll have a fresh perspective and actionable tools to navigate the gravitas dilemma with confidence and grace.
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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why gravitas feedback can feel like an abstract judgment for women leaders.
How to approach gravitas feedback with a mindset of worthiness and capability.
The importance of seeking clarity and asking questions in feedback conversations.
How to discern which aspects of gravitas feedback align with your authentic leadership style.
Strategies for integrating gravitas skills in a way that feels empowering, not inauthentic.
The power of listening for learning, not judgment, when receiving feedback.
Why consciously choosing your worthiness before feedback conversations is key.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
If you haven’t already, please follow the podcast and leave a rating and review to let me know what you think. Find complete instructions here!
Executive Presence: The Missing Link Between Merit and Success by Sylvia Ann Hewlett
Harvard Business Review: Gravitas Is a Quality You Can Develop
The Center for Talent Innovation's Key Findings: Executive Presence
Full Episode Transcript:
Have you ever been told you need more gravitas and felt like it was a judgment on your worth? You're not alone. This is a common piece of feedback that women receive from male leaders. It can feel like masculine mumbo jumbo, but this week, we're flipping this suggestion on its head, transforming this feedback from a confidence crusher into a powerful tool for growth. If you're ready to stop feeling like not enough and start leading with curiosity, strength, and authenticity, this episode about how to approach feedback with a mindset of worthiness is for you. This is the secret to making feedback like, “You need more gravitas…” work for you, not against you.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
All right podcast listeners, this episode actually is inspired by a listener who had a very specific question. This leader said she was receiving a lot of feedback around her way of being. She is a female leader in a male-dominated space. She is the only female on her leadership team. And she wrote, as someone who struggles with self-confidence, she says that gravitas feels inauthentic to her. And I know she isn't alone in this experience. She asked me to talk about the balance and cohesiveness of gravitas and authenticity. So it's time to dive into this interplay between gravitas and authenticity for women leaders.
When I talk to female leaders in corporate, they've heard some variation of the feedback, you lack gravitas. I've been given this feedback too when I was being considered for a more senior level role. The feedback that I got actually was, Yann, we think you're great, you're capable of doing the job. Our only concern is your level of gravitas. But being told you need more gravitas or executive presence is pretty abstract and unhelpful.
Oftentimes, this leaves women feeling judged, inadequate, and disheartened. So what can we actually do with this feedback and turn it into something more useful?
Before we dive into how we can use this feedback for us versus against us, I do wanna share some stats that illustrate how gravitas, the feedback of getting gravitas, can be a challenge for women everywhere in the corporate world. So one research study shows that only about 10% of women feel they are recognized for having gravitas in their organization, while nearly 40% believe that this is a primary quality preventing them from reaching higher leadership roles. This comes from the Center for Talent Innovation.
Another study according to Sylvia and Hewitt in "Executive Presence: The Missing Link Between Merit and Success", gravitas makes up 67% of what is seen as executive presence in leadership. So there is that correlation between gravitas and executive presence. Women lacking this perceived trait may face barriers to promotion, even if they excel in technical expertise.
And then lastly, I want to underline a double bind that women face. Harvard Business Review research points out that women are often perceived as either being too soft or too aggressive when trying to develop gravitas. This tightrope walk makes it difficult for them to find the right balance of authority and approachability in leadership.
So it is confusing, and oftentimes I also have women that I coach and they have been told, "Show up with more gravitas". And when they think about that and they go and try to do it, they get told that they're too aggressive, they need to smile more, they don't have enough emotion. And I think this is what my listener was talking about when it feels inauthentic and how to actually use this feedback in a way where they can integrate it and where you are showing up practicing this new skill because it is a skill. It's not just something you have or have not. It's something that you're gonna be practicing in your life.
And also noticing that with that practice, that sometimes you're not always gonna get it 100%. And there's actually no 100% right. It's a lot of how we feel we do with that delivery, but also how authentic it feels for us in our bodies practicing it.
I do wanna mention that sometimes when we are trying on new moves or new ways of being, that it can feel not as comfortable and it can feel like a stretch and it can feel inauthentic if we haven't fully decided how we wanna show up with that feedback. If we haven't fully accepted that feedback and decided to integrate it in a way that works for us versus against us.
So let's dive into this more as we talk about this challenge and how to use this feedback effectively for us.
I'm also happy to share for myself what this looks like because as I said at the beginning, when I got this feedback, and I had this feedback a couple of times in my career, but when I got this feedback and I was up for a big promotion, they really wanted me in a role, I actually first felt a lot of hurt and sadness around it. It was painful to get this feedback, and part of my brain went to, what if I never learned this skill? What if this is the thing that holds me back? And it also made me upset to think that I have to act and be a certain way in order to accelerate my career.
But at the same time, my logical brain was like, well, that makes sense. Leaders are shaped all the time. You can learn skills. You're capable. And so, you know, after processing my sad feelings and hurt, I went to school and I said, I'm capable of this. I'm capable of learning this, just like I'm capable of passing my CPA exam, just like I'm capable of learning new skills, like riding a bike or whatever you want to say, or learning how to do something at work that I didn't know I could do before.
So when you start looking at it as a skill versus as an indictment on yourself or something that you're not capable of, it opens up a lot of new opportunities for yourself. And for me, I was doing some coaching and I took it to coaching and I was doing group coaching. And so I got a lot of feedback on how I was showing up and my own presence. And I embraced it for what it was, a skill, a toolkit in my basket of tools. It wasn't something that I was looking at like it's gonna make or break me.
I really looked at gravitas similar to how I teach about confidence. It is something we can cultivate. It's a skillset. And oftentimes when you look at it this way with more curiosity rather than defensiveness, this can open doors to learning and growing.
Oftentimes we're focused on being defensive because we are worried about our self-worth. We're thinking that somehow our self-worth is on the line here because people have given us this feedback. So when I coach women who've gotten this feedback, first we work on how to take this feedback in and I'll dive into this too, But asking clarifying questions and being curious is really helpful in getting clear on exactly what people mean by gravitas because like I said, it can feel very abstract.
So here are some questions that you can ask to get clarity, but it's important that you have to have the right mindset in order to ask these questions in a way that is going to maintain your confidence and curiosity and for you to listen to and listen for this in a way of wanting to learn and grow.
So one of the questions could be, can you share an example of when you feel I lacked gravitas during that presentation? Another question might be, what does gravitas look like in this context? How can I embody that more effectively? You might also ask, is there a specific moment when you feel my impact could have been stronger?
When women approach these questions from a mindset of worthiness and capability, ensuring that the feedback is viewed as a tool for learning and not a judgment of value, that is the most important thing; choosing worthiness before receiving feedback.
I'm going to give you two scenarios for you to notice yourself as you are receiving this feedback of gravitas. So scenario one, picture this. You just wrapped up a big presentation at work. You were prepared, detailed, and confident in your delivery. At least you thought so. Afterwards, your boss pulls you aside and says, you did a great job, but I think you need to work on having more gravitas.
Suddenly, all the praise you felt during the presentation is wiped out. You replay every moment in your head, questioning everything. What does that even mean? Am I not good enough? Do they think I'm weak? Am I a bad presenter? You feel your heart sink and the inner critic starts speaking louder.
Instead of asking what gravitas means to your boss or clarifying how you can grow, you silently spiral into self-doubt and imposter syndrome. You take it as an indictment of your worth, internalizing it as a weakness, and you start second-guessing your leadership abilities, your presence, and whether you belong in the room. So that is scenario number one. In this feedback, in your mind, it becomes proof that you're not ready, you're not enough, and perhaps unworthy of more responsibility or recognition. So just notice if that sounds and feels familiar to you.
In the second scenario, you wanna imagine it's the same thing. You gave it your all in this presentation and your boss mentions the need for more gravitas. But this time, instead of shutting down, you pause and choose to approach this feedback differently. You remind yourself, I am enough, I'm worthy of being here, I am capable.
With this mindset, you calmly ask, can you help me understand what gravitas means in this context? What does it look like in this role? Or perhaps, where in this presentation did you notice me lack gravitas?
Now, instead of spiraling, you're learning. Your boss calmly explains that gravitas means speaking with more authority, pausing more often, and delivering your points with more conviction. You start to see this feedback not as a personal attack, but as an opportunity to refine your leadership style.
You walk away feeling empowered, not diminished, focused on how to grow, not on what you lack, and you know exactly where to channel your energy next time. You start inventorying and looking at where your words could have had more conviction, where your points were a little shaky and wobbly and where you could have been more confident and clear.
You've gained respect for seeking clarity with grace. Both scenarios show how the same feedback can either lead you into a downward spiral of self-doubt or empower you to elevate your leadership with curiosity and confidence.
So you just wanna notice yourself in those two scenarios. What is possible when you are defensive, which there's very little possibility because you're not asking clarifying questions and it really does feel like this gravitas stuff is mumbo jumbo, and you're feeling hurt, and you're not curious about what you could learn from it.
And then there's the other side of it, where you're listening for learning, and also noticing for yourself that you have places to learn and not needing to be defensive about it, but more curious. But really ensuring that you decide ahead of time that your worth is not on the line here.
I want to encourage you to make the conscious choice beforehand to see yourself as worthy and capable before entering these feedback conversations.
This mindset of you choosing to be worthy ahead of time sets the foundation for how the feedback will be processed. It also sets the foundation for how you ask the questions. You notice when somebody is asking you a question from defensiveness. It could sound something like, "I don't understand this gravitas feedback. Can you tell me more about it and how it relates to me?" Versus, "Thanks for sharing that feedback with me. I'd love to hear more and understand more about what it actually means and how I can start practicing this skill."
You're just gonna notice that there's a tone, there's an energy and it actually comes from your own mindset and your own way of being ahead of time. If you're coming to that discussion with defensiveness, you're probably gonna get a vague answer back because your boss or whoever gave you the feedback is going to notice that and they will feel uncomfortable and they will probably not give you clear, honest feedback because they are also noticing your defensiveness and maybe feeling defensive themselves. Versus choosing to be worthy ahead of time. This sets that foundation to process that feedback, helping you engage from a place of strength and empowerment.
And whatever feedback you get, first we wanna get clarity. Then after listening, you can discern. You get to choose and make a choice about what aligns with you and your authentic leadership style and values.
So for example, you may get some feedback around how you're dressing or, you know, this happens to people too because they think about gravitas not just as the words but your overall look. And I had a woman join my webinar recently who got this feedback that she needs to have more swagger in these conversations with other tech vendors because she was the CEO of this tech company.
And so she could take it a couple of different ways. What does this tech swagger actually mean? Somebody could say, "Hey, I think you need to wear louder colors to take up more space in the room." And then she could decide for herself, "Hey, what feels good about that? What feels aligned to me?" Maybe in her mind she's like, "I don't look great in bright colors and I don't feel confident in bright colors. And I like to wear black and I like to do this. But I do like to take up space. I think it's important that I take up space."
And I noticed in that meeting, I didn't take up as much physical space, I didn't take up as much verbal space as I was leading. And that's the curiosity, that's the discerning choice. You get to choose what feedback you want to take in the moment. None of this is being forced on you.
The key takeaway here is number one, worthiness is a decision that you make ahead of time, not a response to someone else's opinion. And this internal decision shifts how feedback is received and used for growth. If you are clear with yourself around your worthiness, you're gonna show up to this feedback conversation with more clarity, more confidence. And then you're also gonna feel more confident in choosing consciously what part of the feedback you agree with or don't agree with, therefore helping you feel even more empowered.
Okay, and then the last part of this is listening for learning and not judgment. We know as listeners when we're listening to learn rather than to defend. When we're listening to defend, we are actually trying to case build. And we are listening for things that are going to reiterate what we think that we wanna hear.
So if you're not feeling worthy, and you maybe ask the question of, is this gravitas piece going to really hold me back in my career? And the person says yes. And instead of being like, oh, OK, then maybe gravitas is something I really want to dive into and learn and have this skill set, You make it mean, you interpret it as, okay, my career is limited because of this. You know, and if your mindset is that, well, most men have gravitas, most women don't have it, so it's just another, you know, case against me being a woman in this corporate world. How can I actually use gravitas?
So that's listening with defensiveness and case-building in mind, rather than listening for learning. Listening for learning sounds more like, okay, so tell me exactly how I could have said that in a way that might have more conviction. Were there certain words or was there just my way of being? And so then once you get this, you can decide for yourself.
If you were getting this feedback that, listen, I think it's important that you have better posture, and when you're speaking that you pause more, and that you have more emotion in the way that you're speaking so people can connect with you. And then you can discern versus just accepting this person as them saying the truth. There is a difference between discerning feedback while not feeling the need to accept every piece of advice as the absolute truth.
So just like I was giving you that example about the tech woman who was getting that feedback, she can take what she wants. She doesn't have to accept everything because a colleague or a boss said some specific feedback. You get to choose to take in this feedback and make it authentic for you and make it look and feel like what would align to your leadership ability versus going and pretending to be something or someone else.
And here's the thing about a lot of the leadership books out there. They teach a lot of tactics on how to be, right? How to say certain things. But if you don't feel it in your body, if it doesn't feel aligned to you, then the way that it will come out oftentimes will feel inauthentic. And you need to decide if it's that inauthenticity because you feel uncomfortable, which might just be part of the practice as you dive into that practice, but it feels aligned to you overall in your leadership style, or is it something totally against your leadership style and you actually don't want to lead that way?
And if you don't want to lead that way, what are some of the other options? But oftentimes, women are not in this inquiry with themselves about what it is, and getting to that deeper question of why does it feel inauthentic and what feels more authentic and how can you still move towards being more convicted, being taken seriously, but having it more authentically aligned with you and your cohesiveness.
There are going to be times when you feel really strongly about something and you want to share that very strong recommendation, that really strong thought process. And then there's gonna be other times when you have a more collaborative approach. And again, tools in your toolkit. So you want to be able to have those different tools while still feeling aligned and cohesive with yourself. But it's really hard to do any of that if we are not getting the feedback around what gravitas is because it can be abstract and unclear. The more clarity we seek, the more we get to discern and decide how to integrate it into our way of being. And the more we get to shape and redefine our leadership in a way that feels empowering and aligned with us.
Okay that is the episode on Gravitas What the F. The idea behind this episode is really to dive into it with curiosity and decide ahead of time your worthiness and your capability. This will allow you to ask those questions. So I encourage the listeners to practice listening for learning and really ask themselves what does that look like? Visualize for yourself. If you are listening for learning, you may be calm in your body, curious, and feeling worthy about yourself before receiving the feedback. You choosing ahead of time that you are confident, capable, and worthy is gonna make all of the difference.
So gravitas is still important as a skillset, but so are so many other things. I think oftentimes people see gravitas just like they see confidence. It's like on a pedestal, and it's like you either have it or you don't, that's not the case here. It is another part of your toolkit and the more curious we are about it, the better we're gonna be able to integrate it into our leadership style.
All right, go out there, use this, decide beforehand to feel worthy and confident and capable, and let me know how it goes. I want to hear from you.
All right, podcast listeners, I'll see you next week. It was great to be with you.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
All right podcast listeners, this episode actually is inspired by a listener who had a very specific question. This leader said she was receiving a lot of feedback around her way of being. She is a female leader in a male-dominated space. She is the only female on her leadership team. And she wrote, as someone who struggles with self-confidence, she says that gravitas feels inauthentic to her. And I know she isn't alone in this experience. She asked me to talk about the balance and cohesiveness of gravitas and authenticity. So it's time to dive into this interplay between gravitas and authenticity for women leaders.
When I talk to female leaders in corporate, they've heard some variation of the feedback, you lack gravitas. I've been given this feedback too when I was being considered for a more senior level role. The feedback that I got actually was, Yann, we think you're great, you're capable of doing the job. Our only concern is your level of gravitas. But being told you need more gravitas or executive presence is pretty abstract and unhelpful.
Oftentimes, this leaves women feeling judged, inadequate, and disheartened. So what can we actually do with this feedback and turn it into something more useful?
Before we dive into how we can use this feedback for us versus against us, I do wanna share some stats that illustrate how gravitas, the feedback of getting gravitas, can be a challenge for women everywhere in the corporate world. So one research study shows that only about 10% of women feel they are recognized for having gravitas in their organization, while nearly 40% believe that this is a primary quality preventing them from reaching higher leadership roles. This comes from the Center for Talent Innovation.
Another study according to Sylvia and Hewitt in "Executive Presence: The Missing Link Between Merit and Success", gravitas makes up 67% of what is seen as executive presence in leadership. So there is that correlation between gravitas and executive presence. Women lacking this perceived trait may face barriers to promotion, even if they excel in technical expertise.
And then lastly, I want to underline a double bind that women face. Harvard Business Review research points out that women are often perceived as either being too soft or too aggressive when trying to develop gravitas. This tightrope walk makes it difficult for them to find the right balance of authority and approachability in leadership.
So it is confusing, and oftentimes I also have women that I coach and they have been told, "Show up with more gravitas". And when they think about that and they go and try to do it, they get told that they're too aggressive, they need to smile more, they don't have enough emotion. And I think this is what my listener was talking about when it feels inauthentic and how to actually use this feedback in a way where they can integrate it and where you are showing up practicing this new skill because it is a skill. It's not just something you have or have not. It's something that you're gonna be practicing in your life.
And also noticing that with that practice, that sometimes you're not always gonna get it 100%. And there's actually no 100% right. It's a lot of how we feel we do with that delivery, but also how authentic it feels for us in our bodies practicing it.
I do wanna mention that sometimes when we are trying on new moves or new ways of being, that it can feel not as comfortable and it can feel like a stretch and it can feel inauthentic if we haven't fully decided how we wanna show up with that feedback. If we haven't fully accepted that feedback and decided to integrate it in a way that works for us versus against us.
So let's dive into this more as we talk about this challenge and how to use this feedback effectively for us.
I'm also happy to share for myself what this looks like because as I said at the beginning, when I got this feedback, and I had this feedback a couple of times in my career, but when I got this feedback and I was up for a big promotion, they really wanted me in a role, I actually first felt a lot of hurt and sadness around it. It was painful to get this feedback, and part of my brain went to, what if I never learned this skill? What if this is the thing that holds me back? And it also made me upset to think that I have to act and be a certain way in order to accelerate my career.
But at the same time, my logical brain was like, well, that makes sense. Leaders are shaped all the time. You can learn skills. You're capable. And so, you know, after processing my sad feelings and hurt, I went to school and I said, I'm capable of this. I'm capable of learning this, just like I'm capable of passing my CPA exam, just like I'm capable of learning new skills, like riding a bike or whatever you want to say, or learning how to do something at work that I didn't know I could do before.
So when you start looking at it as a skill versus as an indictment on yourself or something that you're not capable of, it opens up a lot of new opportunities for yourself. And for me, I was doing some coaching and I took it to coaching and I was doing group coaching. And so I got a lot of feedback on how I was showing up and my own presence. And I embraced it for what it was, a skill, a toolkit in my basket of tools. It wasn't something that I was looking at like it's gonna make or break me.
I really looked at gravitas similar to how I teach about confidence. It is something we can cultivate. It's a skillset. And oftentimes when you look at it this way with more curiosity rather than defensiveness, this can open doors to learning and growing.
Oftentimes we're focused on being defensive because we are worried about our self-worth. We're thinking that somehow our self-worth is on the line here because people have given us this feedback. So when I coach women who've gotten this feedback, first we work on how to take this feedback in and I'll dive into this too, But asking clarifying questions and being curious is really helpful in getting clear on exactly what people mean by gravitas because like I said, it can feel very abstract.
So here are some questions that you can ask to get clarity, but it's important that you have to have the right mindset in order to ask these questions in a way that is going to maintain your confidence and curiosity and for you to listen to and listen for this in a way of wanting to learn and grow.
So one of the questions could be, can you share an example of when you feel I lacked gravitas during that presentation? Another question might be, what does gravitas look like in this context? How can I embody that more effectively? You might also ask, is there a specific moment when you feel my impact could have been stronger?
When women approach these questions from a mindset of worthiness and capability, ensuring that the feedback is viewed as a tool for learning and not a judgment of value, that is the most important thing; choosing worthiness before receiving feedback.
I'm going to give you two scenarios for you to notice yourself as you are receiving this feedback of gravitas. So scenario one, picture this. You just wrapped up a big presentation at work. You were prepared, detailed, and confident in your delivery. At least you thought so. Afterwards, your boss pulls you aside and says, you did a great job, but I think you need to work on having more gravitas.
Suddenly, all the praise you felt during the presentation is wiped out. You replay every moment in your head, questioning everything. What does that even mean? Am I not good enough? Do they think I'm weak? Am I a bad presenter? You feel your heart sink and the inner critic starts speaking louder.
Instead of asking what gravitas means to your boss or clarifying how you can grow, you silently spiral into self-doubt and imposter syndrome. You take it as an indictment of your worth, internalizing it as a weakness, and you start second-guessing your leadership abilities, your presence, and whether you belong in the room. So that is scenario number one. In this feedback, in your mind, it becomes proof that you're not ready, you're not enough, and perhaps unworthy of more responsibility or recognition. So just notice if that sounds and feels familiar to you.
In the second scenario, you wanna imagine it's the same thing. You gave it your all in this presentation and your boss mentions the need for more gravitas. But this time, instead of shutting down, you pause and choose to approach this feedback differently. You remind yourself, I am enough, I'm worthy of being here, I am capable.
With this mindset, you calmly ask, can you help me understand what gravitas means in this context? What does it look like in this role? Or perhaps, where in this presentation did you notice me lack gravitas?
Now, instead of spiraling, you're learning. Your boss calmly explains that gravitas means speaking with more authority, pausing more often, and delivering your points with more conviction. You start to see this feedback not as a personal attack, but as an opportunity to refine your leadership style.
You walk away feeling empowered, not diminished, focused on how to grow, not on what you lack, and you know exactly where to channel your energy next time. You start inventorying and looking at where your words could have had more conviction, where your points were a little shaky and wobbly and where you could have been more confident and clear.
You've gained respect for seeking clarity with grace. Both scenarios show how the same feedback can either lead you into a downward spiral of self-doubt or empower you to elevate your leadership with curiosity and confidence.
So you just wanna notice yourself in those two scenarios. What is possible when you are defensive, which there's very little possibility because you're not asking clarifying questions and it really does feel like this gravitas stuff is mumbo jumbo, and you're feeling hurt, and you're not curious about what you could learn from it.
And then there's the other side of it, where you're listening for learning, and also noticing for yourself that you have places to learn and not needing to be defensive about it, but more curious. But really ensuring that you decide ahead of time that your worth is not on the line here.
I want to encourage you to make the conscious choice beforehand to see yourself as worthy and capable before entering these feedback conversations.
This mindset of you choosing to be worthy ahead of time sets the foundation for how the feedback will be processed. It also sets the foundation for how you ask the questions. You notice when somebody is asking you a question from defensiveness. It could sound something like, "I don't understand this gravitas feedback. Can you tell me more about it and how it relates to me?" Versus, "Thanks for sharing that feedback with me. I'd love to hear more and understand more about what it actually means and how I can start practicing this skill."
You're just gonna notice that there's a tone, there's an energy and it actually comes from your own mindset and your own way of being ahead of time. If you're coming to that discussion with defensiveness, you're probably gonna get a vague answer back because your boss or whoever gave you the feedback is going to notice that and they will feel uncomfortable and they will probably not give you clear, honest feedback because they are also noticing your defensiveness and maybe feeling defensive themselves. Versus choosing to be worthy ahead of time. This sets that foundation to process that feedback, helping you engage from a place of strength and empowerment.
And whatever feedback you get, first we wanna get clarity. Then after listening, you can discern. You get to choose and make a choice about what aligns with you and your authentic leadership style and values.
So for example, you may get some feedback around how you're dressing or, you know, this happens to people too because they think about gravitas not just as the words but your overall look. And I had a woman join my webinar recently who got this feedback that she needs to have more swagger in these conversations with other tech vendors because she was the CEO of this tech company.
And so she could take it a couple of different ways. What does this tech swagger actually mean? Somebody could say, "Hey, I think you need to wear louder colors to take up more space in the room." And then she could decide for herself, "Hey, what feels good about that? What feels aligned to me?" Maybe in her mind she's like, "I don't look great in bright colors and I don't feel confident in bright colors. And I like to wear black and I like to do this. But I do like to take up space. I think it's important that I take up space."
And I noticed in that meeting, I didn't take up as much physical space, I didn't take up as much verbal space as I was leading. And that's the curiosity, that's the discerning choice. You get to choose what feedback you want to take in the moment. None of this is being forced on you.
The key takeaway here is number one, worthiness is a decision that you make ahead of time, not a response to someone else's opinion. And this internal decision shifts how feedback is received and used for growth. If you are clear with yourself around your worthiness, you're gonna show up to this feedback conversation with more clarity, more confidence. And then you're also gonna feel more confident in choosing consciously what part of the feedback you agree with or don't agree with, therefore helping you feel even more empowered.
Okay, and then the last part of this is listening for learning and not judgment. We know as listeners when we're listening to learn rather than to defend. When we're listening to defend, we are actually trying to case build. And we are listening for things that are going to reiterate what we think that we wanna hear.
So if you're not feeling worthy, and you maybe ask the question of, is this gravitas piece going to really hold me back in my career? And the person says yes. And instead of being like, oh, OK, then maybe gravitas is something I really want to dive into and learn and have this skill set, You make it mean, you interpret it as, okay, my career is limited because of this. You know, and if your mindset is that, well, most men have gravitas, most women don't have it, so it's just another, you know, case against me being a woman in this corporate world. How can I actually use gravitas?
So that's listening with defensiveness and case-building in mind, rather than listening for learning. Listening for learning sounds more like, okay, so tell me exactly how I could have said that in a way that might have more conviction. Were there certain words or was there just my way of being? And so then once you get this, you can decide for yourself.
If you were getting this feedback that, listen, I think it's important that you have better posture, and when you're speaking that you pause more, and that you have more emotion in the way that you're speaking so people can connect with you. And then you can discern versus just accepting this person as them saying the truth. There is a difference between discerning feedback while not feeling the need to accept every piece of advice as the absolute truth.
So just like I was giving you that example about the tech woman who was getting that feedback, she can take what she wants. She doesn't have to accept everything because a colleague or a boss said some specific feedback. You get to choose to take in this feedback and make it authentic for you and make it look and feel like what would align to your leadership ability versus going and pretending to be something or someone else.
And here's the thing about a lot of the leadership books out there. They teach a lot of tactics on how to be, right? How to say certain things. But if you don't feel it in your body, if it doesn't feel aligned to you, then the way that it will come out oftentimes will feel inauthentic. And you need to decide if it's that inauthenticity because you feel uncomfortable, which might just be part of the practice as you dive into that practice, but it feels aligned to you overall in your leadership style, or is it something totally against your leadership style and you actually don't want to lead that way?
And if you don't want to lead that way, what are some of the other options? But oftentimes, women are not in this inquiry with themselves about what it is, and getting to that deeper question of why does it feel inauthentic and what feels more authentic and how can you still move towards being more convicted, being taken seriously, but having it more authentically aligned with you and your cohesiveness.
There are going to be times when you feel really strongly about something and you want to share that very strong recommendation, that really strong thought process. And then there's gonna be other times when you have a more collaborative approach. And again, tools in your toolkit. So you want to be able to have those different tools while still feeling aligned and cohesive with yourself. But it's really hard to do any of that if we are not getting the feedback around what gravitas is because it can be abstract and unclear. The more clarity we seek, the more we get to discern and decide how to integrate it into our way of being. And the more we get to shape and redefine our leadership in a way that feels empowering and aligned with us.
Okay that is the episode on Gravitas What the F. The idea behind this episode is really to dive into it with curiosity and decide ahead of time your worthiness and your capability. This will allow you to ask those questions. So I encourage the listeners to practice listening for learning and really ask themselves what does that look like? Visualize for yourself. If you are listening for learning, you may be calm in your body, curious, and feeling worthy about yourself before receiving the feedback. You choosing ahead of time that you are confident, capable, and worthy is gonna make all of the difference.
So gravitas is still important as a skillset, but so are so many other things. I think oftentimes people see gravitas just like they see confidence. It's like on a pedestal, and it's like you either have it or you don't, that's not the case here. It is another part of your toolkit and the more curious we are about it, the better we're gonna be able to integrate it into our leadership style.
All right, go out there, use this, decide beforehand to feel worthy and confident and capable, and let me know how it goes. I want to hear from you.
All right, podcast listeners, I'll see you next week. It was great to be with you.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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