19. Anger Is Empowering: Use It, Don’t Lose It!
Have you ever felt that surge of anger bubbling up, only to push it down because "responsible women" don't get angry? What if I told you that anger, when harnessed intentionally, is one of the most powerful and protective tools for growth, confidence, and leadership?
I feel really strongly about this topic because I coach a lot of women on how their anger can be super powerful when grounded in clarity and certainty. It has the ability, especially for women in male-dominated spaces, to help you stay calm, cool, collected, and empowered. But many women have been taught to suppress their anger, socialized to cry instead of getting angry, and told a lot of stories about how angry women are scary or unprofessional.
Join me this week as I uncover the truth about anger, how it's been misunderstood, why most women suppress it, and most importantly, how you can use it to your advantage. I’ll walk you through the difference between irresponsible and responsible anger, and share what it's like to use anger in an empowering way to create positive change.
If you haven’t already, please follow the podcast and leave a rating and review to let me know what you think. I'm creating this show just for you, so I want to know what you would like to hear about in the coming episodes. Find complete instructions here!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
Why women's anger is often misperceived and judged in professional settings.
How suppressing anger can lead to burnout and decreased job satisfaction for women.
The difference between irresponsible, reactive anger and intentional, controlled anger.
How to reflect on and discern your anger before acting on it.
Why connecting with your own anger helps you stand your ground with angry men.
How anger, when used responsibly, leads to better conflict resolution and boundary setting.
Why harnessing anger intentionally builds confidence to take risks and be vulnerable.
Listen to the Full Episode:
Featured on the Show:
If you haven’t already, please follow the podcast and leave a rating and review to let me know what you think. Find complete instructions here!
Research on perceptions of angry women as less competent (Law and Human Behavior)
Research on the gifts of anger (American Psychological Association)
Research on using anger to attain goals (American Psychological Association)
Full Episode Transcript:
Have you ever felt that surge of anger bubbling up only to push it down because responsible women don't get angry? What if I told you that anger, when harnessed intentionally, is one of the most powerful and protective tools for growth, confidence, and leadership.
In today's episode, we're uncovering the truth about anger, how it's been misunderstood, why most women suppress it, and most importantly, how you can use it to your advantage. Stick around because by the end of this episode, you'll not only see your anger in a whole new light, but you'll know exactly how to turn it into your superpower.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey, podcast listeners, today we have a very important episode that has the ability to change your life and has the ability for you to connect with a superpower that you didn't even know you had. Today we're diving into the topic that a lot of women shy away from, anger. But what if I told you that anger, when used intentionally, can be one of the most empowering emotions you possess?
I feel really strongly about this. I coach a lot of women on anger and I tell them that anger is the emotion that could be super powerful when grounded in clarity and certainty and has the ability, especially for women in male-dominated spaces, to help you stay calm, cool, collected, and empowered. But many women have been taught to suppress their anger. They have been socialized to cry instead of getting angry, and they have been told a lot of stories about how angry women are really scary and how it's really bad to get angry and to show your emotions in this way.
I did wanna start off this episode with a few of the studies and research around women and anger, because I know it's a complicated topic and I want to unpack it with you in a way where you're understanding the context around what I mean by anger is empowering. So let's start off with why women's anger is often misperceived.
A study published in Law and Human Behavior found that women who expressed anger in professional settings were often viewed as less competent, while men expressing anger were more likely to be perceived as competent and assertive. Women's anger was met with judgment and negative preconceptions, impacting their influence in the workplace.
So again, it makes sense if you're a woman who is like, I am not gonna be angry at work, then it makes sense because there's a lot of studies out there that actually show that if you show up with your anger, that it's going to be a backlash against you. But you should also know that suppressing anger leads to burnout.
So research from the Harvard Business Review highlights that women who suppress emotions like anger are more likely to experience burnout. They may feel the need to remain calm and composed even in high-stress situations, which contributes to the emotional exhaustion and decreased job satisfaction. And that's from a study in the Harvard Business Review from 2018.
According to research from the American Psychological Association, anger can be a catalyst for positive change when used constructively. Women who are able to express anger in a controlled, intentional way in the workplace often find that it leads to better outcomes in conflict resolution and boundary setting, improving both relationships and productivity. Again, this is from the APA in a 2019 research.
These stats reinforce the importance of understanding, harnessing, and expressing anger effectively in the workplace. Because on one side, it is perceived that anger is not good for women, they're gonna be seen as less competent. But on another side, anger, if we suppress it too much, ends up leading to burnout. And then we have yet another study that says, actually anger, when used in a controlled, intentional way, creates better outcomes when it comes to conflict.
So we've got a lot to unpack in this episode. It is not just to show up with your anger, let it loose, see what happens, right? I'm going to talk to you and walk you through the steps of understanding the difference between irresponsible anger and responsible anger. And I'm going to share with you what it is like to use anger in an empowering way and how it can be really effective for you as a woman in a male-dominated space to harness your anger and to use it in a way that helps you create positive change and empowerment for yourself.
So let's dive into this episode. Like I said, it is a big one, but it is one that can really change how you show up in the world. So let's first start with the misconceptions about anger, right, and just think about it as you think about, you know, even being a little girl, right?
Little girls are kind of socialized to not be angry. It's easier for being a crying little girl than to be a little girl that stomps her feet and has like a major tantrum, right? So there's a lot of thoughts that anger and sort of, you know, that it could be dangerous for women and that there's like a lot of judgment about how inappropriate or irresponsible it is.
But I also want you to think about anger in the way of being a mama bear. This instinctive anger that women have naturally in themselves, in their ability, right? Protecting a child from harm. And if you've ever seen a dog, right, that is with its little pups, you will see that dog being really firm and clear with her anger, right? It may also seem a little out of control, but you know that dog is going to do whatever it takes to protect that child.
So when I talk to people about anger, I talk to them about it being clear and grounded, and I have them really listening in and thinking about what it would be like to be that mama bear for yourself in that boardroom or speaking up for something that matters for you. I want you to notice that for yourself because this is the anger that we want to be channeling, not the irresponsible, reactive anger that seems totally unpredictable.
And so I want you to notice that there's qualities, that irresponsible anger that oftentimes society gives us about women being angry is like that they're out of control, that they actually are not grounded in anything, that they're just going on a rampage and they're like a crazy woman. Versus if you think about a mama bear and their responsibility and the certainty in their voice and even if they're loud there's a firmness and an intentionality. That's what we're getting at here.
And when I talk to people about their anger, right, the job here is to start discerning their anger as they start noticing it. Oftentimes, women have this uncontrollable, irresponsible anger when they have built up a lot of resentment over time and the anger that they feel in a certain situation feels out of range for you know that thing happening. So a tool that I teach my clients is to really reflect and pause before they act on their anger.
So one of the questions I will ask them is if something is making you angry in that moment and you're like, I don't know if I should trust this anger or if I should speak up or, you know, I'm just noticing lots of anger in my body. It might feel like a tenseness in your butt or in your jaw and you're noticing being really angry at somebody's reaction. You wanna just slow yourself down and ask yourself, if someone I trusted did the same thing, how would I rate my emotional response, my anger response in this situation from a one to 10?
And oftentimes, if that is the case, right, So I'll give you an example. You notice in a meeting that a man is cutting you off and you feel really upset about it because this has happened a lot of times and your anger level is an eight out of 10, and you just noticed yourself wanting to literally rip his head off and be like, stop interrupting me. You notice this upset in yourself that actually feels like a buildup.
Oftentimes I would say, listen, if this had happened to you and it was somebody else who has interrupted you or done this, and it was somebody that you trusted, how would you react, one out of 10? And they might say something like, probably a three, I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, and I would not get so angry.
You just wanna notice yourself because your anger in that moment could have be built up over time of just men interrupting you and you having this mindset that they're there to interrupt you and you want to respond at a level of eight out of 10 versus a level of, you know, maybe three out of 10.
I would also ask them, well, how would you respond to this person if it was somebody that you trusted? And they said, I'd probably say the same thing, but with not wanting to rip their head off. I would probably also say, hey, listen, I wanna finish what I have to say. And so again, they're able to channel and use that anger, but not have it be overly compensated by resentment or upset that happened from some other time.
So you wanna just have this tool for yourself because what we're doing is learning how to use our anger in grounded, responsible, clear ways. Again, thinking about a mom protecting her kids.
I often, again, give people this example. If your kid is about to touch the stove, you are going to get very firm, very clear, very intentional with your voice in that moment. If you're not actually physically able to run over and pull them off of the stove, how would your voice sound? How would you feel in your body? And this is the anger that we want to be intentionally connecting to. And this is responsible anger. But the more we can give ourselves evidence that we are responsible with our anger, the more we're going to learn how to trust it.
So if you can ask yourself that question, if someone I trusted did the same thing, how would I rate my anger from one to 10? What would that be like? And it could be still pretty high. For example, if someone you trusted did something or wasn't mindful about your schedule and you would be upset, maybe it's five out of 10. You would still speak up for yourself and you wanna be able to do that same thing at work.
Somebody didn't show up for a meeting that they were meant to and you want to share with them your thoughts and feelings in a grounded, intentional way. And it might sound something like, hey John, I know you're super busy with things, but this was an important meeting. I expected you to be here on time so we could really sort out this situation. And I'm upset that you blew it off.
And sometimes it is just giving people space to respond, letting them know what matters to you, letting them know how you feel, but not going crazy and being out of control. That's not the type of anger that is going to be empowering for you. That's the type of anger when you're out of control where people point fingers and say, there's something very wrong with this woman and she's highly incompetent, right?
So on one end, there's that. On the other end, it's like you connecting with your anger, observing it, and learning how to voice it. And notice where you want to cry or go to tears instead of connecting with your anger. I want to share that this is very common.
In some ways, we have socialized our daughters, our little girls to go to that victimhood role and cry and hope for some Prince Charming to, I mean, actually, if you listen and watch a lot of Disney movies, sometimes that is the case. There's been some newer Disney movies where the women is like the heroine and they're able to use their anger and their emotions to protect themselves. But some of the old ones like, you know, Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella, like somebody comes and rescues. There's like a fairy godmother or a prince that comes and kisses you and rescues you.
So you wanna notice that in our society, there's just a lot of these stories and myths about women being like helpless and needing somebody to come rescue them. What I want to offer you is that you can be that hero for yourself. You can be that empowered person who uses their anger intentionally and with certainty and clarity that you are able to stand up for yourself and you start building the skill as you allow more and more of your anger to come up and that you're able to connect with it and notice the sensations in your body when you are feeling anger.
Because oftentimes what I will tell you is that you as a female leader in a male-dominated space are going to be met with people who are angry, men that are angry. And you are not going to be able to stand your ground unless you are able to connect with your own anger. I had this very thing with myself. My boss I shared before would get very angry and I would get scared and my voice would get shaky. And what happened was he would just get more and more angry and I would just shut down more and more.
So the biggest thing for me was to get in touch with my anger, to feel connected with myself so I could speak up and I could share the things that mattered to me and that I had a sense that I could protect myself and trust myself in those moments when somebody was really angry.
For a lot of women, they start noticing the anger, they want it to go away, they judge people for it. And I've been wanting to do this historically in my marriage where I just want to judge my husband for being like out of control angry and wanting to just stonewall him versus connecting with my own anger, showing up for myself in a clear, calm manner and seeing what's so for me. So this is possible for you, to connect with your anger in this way, to notice it come up, and it comes with emotional maturity and growth. The more you're able to sense your anger and use it responsibly the more empowered you're going to be.
Notice in meetings when you are noticing people getting angry, listen to yourself and your body and see what's happening for you. Are you feeling a lot of fear? Are you feeling like their anger is gonna take over you? Are you feeling scared about your anger? You wanna notice what that is for you as you start training yourself and embracing what it could look like for you to show up with your anger, intentionally with clarity.
It may look like you interrupting and say, hey, wait a minute, I know we're on the fast track to answer this question, but I feel really strongly that if we move too quickly, X, Y, and Z is going to be at risk, and this is not gonna be good for our company. But somebody can only say that when they feel connected to themselves, when they feel a sense of protection and a sense of self-trust to stand up in a room where there might be a lot of angry men, but for you to notice your own anger, the strength of that is for you to be able to channel it and intentionally show up with other people.
And when anger is met with anger, actually things can get done. We're not angry at each other. We're angry at the situation. We're angry at what might happen to the company if X, Y, and Z doesn't happen. So you can use anger in that way to intentionally shift people towards more understanding, more clarity. And you'll only be able to do that if you're not full of fear or crying because you can't handle other people's anger.
So this is really about you using anger in a powerful way, you noticing it in your body, and you trusting yourself to protect yourself with your anger. That is really the empowerment that happens when you can attune to your anger. You can speak up for yourself in moments where historically you couldn't see yourself doing that.
So the benefit for women is really the willingness to take more risks, to show up authentically, to put yourself in vulnerable situations. It's kind of very ironic, but the more that you are connected with your anger, the more willing you will be to be vulnerable in other situations.
So it is directly correlated. You're going to be more willing to be vulnerable when you have your anger intact and in tune because you will be able to protect yourself. And when we're able to protect ourselves and we know we can trust ourselves to protect ourselves, then we're willing to take more risk and we're willing to be more vulnerable and real with people because we know that we have our own backs. We can protect ourselves. So I want you to just notice that.
And an example of this that I wanted to share that recently happened with one of my clients is that she got into this meeting with her CEO. He was so upset. He was so upset about what was happening to the organization, and he was so upset about what some former employees were claiming. And she noticed herself wanting to really just water down his anger and be like, don't worry, everything's going to be okay.
And he wanted to take some bold action. And she, instead of trying to manage his emotions, she showed up with her anger and said, "Listen, we cannot do this." He actually wanted to withhold salaries from these ex-employees because of what they did. But she being the legal expert and the HR leader on the team said, "Listen, to really protect our company, we need to follow through. We need to pay this, but we need to have a full investigation."
And she really channeled that anger to speak up for herself, but to also speak up to protect him as a CEO and the company and give recommendations of what to do going forward. But she would not have been able to do that if she just felt overpowered by his anger and she wasn't connected to her own.
So this is where anger is empowering, anger is transformative, and anger is protective, not only for yourself, but the people around you. That it helps you get very clear, very intentional, and you're able to speak up in ways that people didn't know was possible, or maybe you didn't know was possible until you are able to connect with that anger in this way.
All right, so that is the episode for today, but I'm gonna do a lot more episodes around anger because like I said, it is an empowering emotion that can really support you and set you apart from other leaders, especially in male-dominated spaces.
You will show up with clarity, you will be grounded and intentional, and it will be a controlled anger that will feel, again, empowering and protective. So as an assignment for you guys to go out there is to start noticing, ask yourself, where am I suppressing my anger? Where am I not connecting with it?
I want you to reflect on how you could embrace, you know, showing up with anger intentionally versus shying away. You could even journal about this. Notice shifts on how you feel when you allow anger to arise and ask yourself, if you are to show up with anger in a purposeful, clear, and grounded way, what would that be like for you?
And I want you to just have empathy for yourself and compassion for yourself that this journey is messy at first. You might feel so angry. You may want to drink more. You may want to not deal with your emotions because you're like, this anger is too much, it's uncomfortable. But what I want to offer to you is once you get to know your anger and once you learn how to use it in an empowered way, you will show up with more intentionality and more self-assuredness than you ever thought was possible. So it is messy, but you are capable of it, and this is part of that learning experience.
Learning to harness your anger is part of emotional maturity and a necessary skill for you to lead with confidence. So allow yourself to go to school on people who express their anger, both responsibly and irresponsibly, and allow yourself to notice the sensations in your body when you are feeling angry and also notice like if you're wanting to cry to get rid of your anger, and if that's happening allow those tears to come but the more and more it happens, the more you want to stick with the anger and say, you know, if I just stuck with the anger, how would that make me feel? What's coming up for me?
The more you trust yourself to protect your boundaries, the more confidently you're going to show up in all areas of your life. Your anger is not something to fear, it's your power waiting to be harnessed. So try out this assignment, let me know how it goes for you. Start thinking about anger as a protective and empowering source for you. And the more you do that, and the more you open yourself up to how powerful this emotion can be for you, the more you're going to see the impact it makes in your life and in your leadership.
All right, so let me know how it is for you. I'd love to hear from you on LinkedIn or feel free to leave a review of this episode. But this is really the start of a journey for you to embrace your anger and to allow it to empower you.
Thank you everyone. I will see you next week. We're going to have another impactful episode. Take care. Bye.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
In today's episode, we're uncovering the truth about anger, how it's been misunderstood, why most women suppress it, and most importantly, how you can use it to your advantage. Stick around because by the end of this episode, you'll not only see your anger in a whole new light, but you'll know exactly how to turn it into your superpower.
Welcome to The Balanced Leader, hosted by Yann Dang, a Leadership and Life Coach with over 20 years of corporate experience. Drawing from her journey as a former global finance leader and second-generation immigrant, Yann understands the unique challenges women face in male-dominated workplaces.
Each episode offers insights on balancing masculine and feminine energies, mastering soft skills, and building emotional intelligence. Join us to transform frustration into empowerment and unlock your authentic leadership potential.
Hey, podcast listeners, today we have a very important episode that has the ability to change your life and has the ability for you to connect with a superpower that you didn't even know you had. Today we're diving into the topic that a lot of women shy away from, anger. But what if I told you that anger, when used intentionally, can be one of the most empowering emotions you possess?
I feel really strongly about this. I coach a lot of women on anger and I tell them that anger is the emotion that could be super powerful when grounded in clarity and certainty and has the ability, especially for women in male-dominated spaces, to help you stay calm, cool, collected, and empowered. But many women have been taught to suppress their anger. They have been socialized to cry instead of getting angry, and they have been told a lot of stories about how angry women are really scary and how it's really bad to get angry and to show your emotions in this way.
I did wanna start off this episode with a few of the studies and research around women and anger, because I know it's a complicated topic and I want to unpack it with you in a way where you're understanding the context around what I mean by anger is empowering. So let's start off with why women's anger is often misperceived.
A study published in Law and Human Behavior found that women who expressed anger in professional settings were often viewed as less competent, while men expressing anger were more likely to be perceived as competent and assertive. Women's anger was met with judgment and negative preconceptions, impacting their influence in the workplace.
So again, it makes sense if you're a woman who is like, I am not gonna be angry at work, then it makes sense because there's a lot of studies out there that actually show that if you show up with your anger, that it's going to be a backlash against you. But you should also know that suppressing anger leads to burnout.
So research from the Harvard Business Review highlights that women who suppress emotions like anger are more likely to experience burnout. They may feel the need to remain calm and composed even in high-stress situations, which contributes to the emotional exhaustion and decreased job satisfaction. And that's from a study in the Harvard Business Review from 2018.
According to research from the American Psychological Association, anger can be a catalyst for positive change when used constructively. Women who are able to express anger in a controlled, intentional way in the workplace often find that it leads to better outcomes in conflict resolution and boundary setting, improving both relationships and productivity. Again, this is from the APA in a 2019 research.
These stats reinforce the importance of understanding, harnessing, and expressing anger effectively in the workplace. Because on one side, it is perceived that anger is not good for women, they're gonna be seen as less competent. But on another side, anger, if we suppress it too much, ends up leading to burnout. And then we have yet another study that says, actually anger, when used in a controlled, intentional way, creates better outcomes when it comes to conflict.
So we've got a lot to unpack in this episode. It is not just to show up with your anger, let it loose, see what happens, right? I'm going to talk to you and walk you through the steps of understanding the difference between irresponsible anger and responsible anger. And I'm going to share with you what it is like to use anger in an empowering way and how it can be really effective for you as a woman in a male-dominated space to harness your anger and to use it in a way that helps you create positive change and empowerment for yourself.
So let's dive into this episode. Like I said, it is a big one, but it is one that can really change how you show up in the world. So let's first start with the misconceptions about anger, right, and just think about it as you think about, you know, even being a little girl, right?
Little girls are kind of socialized to not be angry. It's easier for being a crying little girl than to be a little girl that stomps her feet and has like a major tantrum, right? So there's a lot of thoughts that anger and sort of, you know, that it could be dangerous for women and that there's like a lot of judgment about how inappropriate or irresponsible it is.
But I also want you to think about anger in the way of being a mama bear. This instinctive anger that women have naturally in themselves, in their ability, right? Protecting a child from harm. And if you've ever seen a dog, right, that is with its little pups, you will see that dog being really firm and clear with her anger, right? It may also seem a little out of control, but you know that dog is going to do whatever it takes to protect that child.
So when I talk to people about anger, I talk to them about it being clear and grounded, and I have them really listening in and thinking about what it would be like to be that mama bear for yourself in that boardroom or speaking up for something that matters for you. I want you to notice that for yourself because this is the anger that we want to be channeling, not the irresponsible, reactive anger that seems totally unpredictable.
And so I want you to notice that there's qualities, that irresponsible anger that oftentimes society gives us about women being angry is like that they're out of control, that they actually are not grounded in anything, that they're just going on a rampage and they're like a crazy woman. Versus if you think about a mama bear and their responsibility and the certainty in their voice and even if they're loud there's a firmness and an intentionality. That's what we're getting at here.
And when I talk to people about their anger, right, the job here is to start discerning their anger as they start noticing it. Oftentimes, women have this uncontrollable, irresponsible anger when they have built up a lot of resentment over time and the anger that they feel in a certain situation feels out of range for you know that thing happening. So a tool that I teach my clients is to really reflect and pause before they act on their anger.
So one of the questions I will ask them is if something is making you angry in that moment and you're like, I don't know if I should trust this anger or if I should speak up or, you know, I'm just noticing lots of anger in my body. It might feel like a tenseness in your butt or in your jaw and you're noticing being really angry at somebody's reaction. You wanna just slow yourself down and ask yourself, if someone I trusted did the same thing, how would I rate my emotional response, my anger response in this situation from a one to 10?
And oftentimes, if that is the case, right, So I'll give you an example. You notice in a meeting that a man is cutting you off and you feel really upset about it because this has happened a lot of times and your anger level is an eight out of 10, and you just noticed yourself wanting to literally rip his head off and be like, stop interrupting me. You notice this upset in yourself that actually feels like a buildup.
Oftentimes I would say, listen, if this had happened to you and it was somebody else who has interrupted you or done this, and it was somebody that you trusted, how would you react, one out of 10? And they might say something like, probably a three, I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, and I would not get so angry.
You just wanna notice yourself because your anger in that moment could have be built up over time of just men interrupting you and you having this mindset that they're there to interrupt you and you want to respond at a level of eight out of 10 versus a level of, you know, maybe three out of 10.
I would also ask them, well, how would you respond to this person if it was somebody that you trusted? And they said, I'd probably say the same thing, but with not wanting to rip their head off. I would probably also say, hey, listen, I wanna finish what I have to say. And so again, they're able to channel and use that anger, but not have it be overly compensated by resentment or upset that happened from some other time.
So you wanna just have this tool for yourself because what we're doing is learning how to use our anger in grounded, responsible, clear ways. Again, thinking about a mom protecting her kids.
I often, again, give people this example. If your kid is about to touch the stove, you are going to get very firm, very clear, very intentional with your voice in that moment. If you're not actually physically able to run over and pull them off of the stove, how would your voice sound? How would you feel in your body? And this is the anger that we want to be intentionally connecting to. And this is responsible anger. But the more we can give ourselves evidence that we are responsible with our anger, the more we're going to learn how to trust it.
So if you can ask yourself that question, if someone I trusted did the same thing, how would I rate my anger from one to 10? What would that be like? And it could be still pretty high. For example, if someone you trusted did something or wasn't mindful about your schedule and you would be upset, maybe it's five out of 10. You would still speak up for yourself and you wanna be able to do that same thing at work.
Somebody didn't show up for a meeting that they were meant to and you want to share with them your thoughts and feelings in a grounded, intentional way. And it might sound something like, hey John, I know you're super busy with things, but this was an important meeting. I expected you to be here on time so we could really sort out this situation. And I'm upset that you blew it off.
And sometimes it is just giving people space to respond, letting them know what matters to you, letting them know how you feel, but not going crazy and being out of control. That's not the type of anger that is going to be empowering for you. That's the type of anger when you're out of control where people point fingers and say, there's something very wrong with this woman and she's highly incompetent, right?
So on one end, there's that. On the other end, it's like you connecting with your anger, observing it, and learning how to voice it. And notice where you want to cry or go to tears instead of connecting with your anger. I want to share that this is very common.
In some ways, we have socialized our daughters, our little girls to go to that victimhood role and cry and hope for some Prince Charming to, I mean, actually, if you listen and watch a lot of Disney movies, sometimes that is the case. There's been some newer Disney movies where the women is like the heroine and they're able to use their anger and their emotions to protect themselves. But some of the old ones like, you know, Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella, like somebody comes and rescues. There's like a fairy godmother or a prince that comes and kisses you and rescues you.
So you wanna notice that in our society, there's just a lot of these stories and myths about women being like helpless and needing somebody to come rescue them. What I want to offer you is that you can be that hero for yourself. You can be that empowered person who uses their anger intentionally and with certainty and clarity that you are able to stand up for yourself and you start building the skill as you allow more and more of your anger to come up and that you're able to connect with it and notice the sensations in your body when you are feeling anger.
Because oftentimes what I will tell you is that you as a female leader in a male-dominated space are going to be met with people who are angry, men that are angry. And you are not going to be able to stand your ground unless you are able to connect with your own anger. I had this very thing with myself. My boss I shared before would get very angry and I would get scared and my voice would get shaky. And what happened was he would just get more and more angry and I would just shut down more and more.
So the biggest thing for me was to get in touch with my anger, to feel connected with myself so I could speak up and I could share the things that mattered to me and that I had a sense that I could protect myself and trust myself in those moments when somebody was really angry.
For a lot of women, they start noticing the anger, they want it to go away, they judge people for it. And I've been wanting to do this historically in my marriage where I just want to judge my husband for being like out of control angry and wanting to just stonewall him versus connecting with my own anger, showing up for myself in a clear, calm manner and seeing what's so for me. So this is possible for you, to connect with your anger in this way, to notice it come up, and it comes with emotional maturity and growth. The more you're able to sense your anger and use it responsibly the more empowered you're going to be.
Notice in meetings when you are noticing people getting angry, listen to yourself and your body and see what's happening for you. Are you feeling a lot of fear? Are you feeling like their anger is gonna take over you? Are you feeling scared about your anger? You wanna notice what that is for you as you start training yourself and embracing what it could look like for you to show up with your anger, intentionally with clarity.
It may look like you interrupting and say, hey, wait a minute, I know we're on the fast track to answer this question, but I feel really strongly that if we move too quickly, X, Y, and Z is going to be at risk, and this is not gonna be good for our company. But somebody can only say that when they feel connected to themselves, when they feel a sense of protection and a sense of self-trust to stand up in a room where there might be a lot of angry men, but for you to notice your own anger, the strength of that is for you to be able to channel it and intentionally show up with other people.
And when anger is met with anger, actually things can get done. We're not angry at each other. We're angry at the situation. We're angry at what might happen to the company if X, Y, and Z doesn't happen. So you can use anger in that way to intentionally shift people towards more understanding, more clarity. And you'll only be able to do that if you're not full of fear or crying because you can't handle other people's anger.
So this is really about you using anger in a powerful way, you noticing it in your body, and you trusting yourself to protect yourself with your anger. That is really the empowerment that happens when you can attune to your anger. You can speak up for yourself in moments where historically you couldn't see yourself doing that.
So the benefit for women is really the willingness to take more risks, to show up authentically, to put yourself in vulnerable situations. It's kind of very ironic, but the more that you are connected with your anger, the more willing you will be to be vulnerable in other situations.
So it is directly correlated. You're going to be more willing to be vulnerable when you have your anger intact and in tune because you will be able to protect yourself. And when we're able to protect ourselves and we know we can trust ourselves to protect ourselves, then we're willing to take more risk and we're willing to be more vulnerable and real with people because we know that we have our own backs. We can protect ourselves. So I want you to just notice that.
And an example of this that I wanted to share that recently happened with one of my clients is that she got into this meeting with her CEO. He was so upset. He was so upset about what was happening to the organization, and he was so upset about what some former employees were claiming. And she noticed herself wanting to really just water down his anger and be like, don't worry, everything's going to be okay.
And he wanted to take some bold action. And she, instead of trying to manage his emotions, she showed up with her anger and said, "Listen, we cannot do this." He actually wanted to withhold salaries from these ex-employees because of what they did. But she being the legal expert and the HR leader on the team said, "Listen, to really protect our company, we need to follow through. We need to pay this, but we need to have a full investigation."
And she really channeled that anger to speak up for herself, but to also speak up to protect him as a CEO and the company and give recommendations of what to do going forward. But she would not have been able to do that if she just felt overpowered by his anger and she wasn't connected to her own.
So this is where anger is empowering, anger is transformative, and anger is protective, not only for yourself, but the people around you. That it helps you get very clear, very intentional, and you're able to speak up in ways that people didn't know was possible, or maybe you didn't know was possible until you are able to connect with that anger in this way.
All right, so that is the episode for today, but I'm gonna do a lot more episodes around anger because like I said, it is an empowering emotion that can really support you and set you apart from other leaders, especially in male-dominated spaces.
You will show up with clarity, you will be grounded and intentional, and it will be a controlled anger that will feel, again, empowering and protective. So as an assignment for you guys to go out there is to start noticing, ask yourself, where am I suppressing my anger? Where am I not connecting with it?
I want you to reflect on how you could embrace, you know, showing up with anger intentionally versus shying away. You could even journal about this. Notice shifts on how you feel when you allow anger to arise and ask yourself, if you are to show up with anger in a purposeful, clear, and grounded way, what would that be like for you?
And I want you to just have empathy for yourself and compassion for yourself that this journey is messy at first. You might feel so angry. You may want to drink more. You may want to not deal with your emotions because you're like, this anger is too much, it's uncomfortable. But what I want to offer to you is once you get to know your anger and once you learn how to use it in an empowered way, you will show up with more intentionality and more self-assuredness than you ever thought was possible. So it is messy, but you are capable of it, and this is part of that learning experience.
Learning to harness your anger is part of emotional maturity and a necessary skill for you to lead with confidence. So allow yourself to go to school on people who express their anger, both responsibly and irresponsibly, and allow yourself to notice the sensations in your body when you are feeling angry and also notice like if you're wanting to cry to get rid of your anger, and if that's happening allow those tears to come but the more and more it happens, the more you want to stick with the anger and say, you know, if I just stuck with the anger, how would that make me feel? What's coming up for me?
The more you trust yourself to protect your boundaries, the more confidently you're going to show up in all areas of your life. Your anger is not something to fear, it's your power waiting to be harnessed. So try out this assignment, let me know how it goes for you. Start thinking about anger as a protective and empowering source for you. And the more you do that, and the more you open yourself up to how powerful this emotion can be for you, the more you're going to see the impact it makes in your life and in your leadership.
All right, so let me know how it is for you. I'd love to hear from you on LinkedIn or feel free to leave a review of this episode. But this is really the start of a journey for you to embrace your anger and to allow it to empower you.
Thank you everyone. I will see you next week. We're going to have another impactful episode. Take care. Bye.
Thank you for being a part of The Balanced Leader community. We hope you found today's episode inspiring and actionable. For more resources and to connect with Yann, visit us at aspire-coaching.co. Until next time, keep leading with confidence and purpose.
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